


Going, Going, Gone

by LavworthMyWay



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion, Rebuild of Evangelion | Evangelion: New Theatrical Edition
Genre: Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Mental Anguish, Mental Breakdown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-16
Updated: 2016-11-16
Packaged: 2018-08-31 09:16:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8572771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LavworthMyWay/pseuds/LavworthMyWay
Summary: Overwhelmed with anguish, Kaworu felt undeserving of love and second chances.Perhaps it was time to put a stop to his self-driven purpose once and for all.





	

Yet again, he failed.

Nagisa Kaworu is a failure and he knew it.

No matter how much thought he put into his plans, no matter how much he poured his heart to love Shinji, no matter how much times he repeated and repeated and _repeated_ , it was never enough.

(“Nagisa, you are amazing.”)

_No. You’re wrong, Shinji. I am not amazing._

(“You really are amazing, Kaworu.”)

He was undeserving of such high praise. Kaworu was worthless. To hell with being the Angel of Free Will, what was the point of free will if none of his choices led to his desired outcome?

(“I loved Kaworu too.”)

_Don’t love someone like me. Someone like me deserves no love._

An image of Shinji staring at him in disgust and contempt plagued his mind. It haunted Kaworu more than he would like to admit. If Shinji knew his true self – his selfish, greedy, incompetent self – Shinji would surely be revolted by Kaworu.

A hollow laugh slipped past his lips. Empty, emotionless. What did Shinji see in him? Were they even looking at the same person?

A picture-perfect Kaworu never existed. A disguise, one might put it. Then again, doesn’t everyone put up different disguises in front of different people every day?

This world was full of lies and flaws and all its imperfections, yet Kaworu loved it just as much. If only he could love himself the same way.

If only he could look at himself in the mirror without seeing a soulless gaze staring back. If only he could stop the overwhelming wave of emotions devouring him right into the core. If only he could close his eyes and not have horrifying, heart-chilling flashbacks of Shinji’s tear stricken face torturing him every instance.

Nagisa Kaworu was screwed up and he knew it.

Hot tears spilled from his face and Kaworu resented that they did not corrode his face and skin on their way down. Perhaps that was too unreasonable. Perhaps using his bare hands to claw scars would be a more practical choice.

How much more?

How long more?

Kaworu wanted to stop. He wanted it all to end. No more. No more of repeating these damn cycles. Damn the Angels. Damn the King of Lilin. Damn the entire world if he could. But not Shinji. Poor, precious Shinji who suffered no matter what.

If there’s nothing he could do to change fate, he saw no purpose.

Perhaps, his futile attempts were meant to be. Why should he put himself through so much stress and anguish if the ending was going to be the same every time?

Kaworu never deserved love from Shinji and from himself anyway.

Nor does he deserve a second chance or any chance at all.

* * *

 

In this timeline and the other possible timelines to come, Ikari Shinji would never meet the strange boy named Nagisa Kaworu. He would never experience unconditional love, and would never experience the pain of losing it. But like all the other Shinjis, he would learn how to accept reality and all its hardships. He would learn how to accept himself and embrace everything about himself.

He would eventually know how to love himself while the other boy never learnt to.

**Author's Note:**

> There's not much setting. It's just Kaworu having a mental breakdown.  
> I just had to get this out of my system. Felt a little overwhelmed with emotions and what's better than to take it out on writing angst?


End file.
